thus making me awesome and them whores
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize