Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize