Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
