I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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