She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
