he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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