OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
