and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
