true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
