I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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