her vagina looked like bernie madoff
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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