i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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