What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
