you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
