You can't special order awesome
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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