It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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