if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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