Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
