god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
