So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize