apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
