Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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