New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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