I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
