Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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