Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
