So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
