I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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