I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
