I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The best revenge is premature balding
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
