sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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