You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
