Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I AM VODKA MAN
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
