I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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