then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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