they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize