her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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