everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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