I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
we're making bets on your personal life
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
