Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
