My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
