So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
