Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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