Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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