he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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