you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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