Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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