when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
