All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
