my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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