People with herpes should wear stickers.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
