So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
