ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I skipped work to stalk him.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
