just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
