the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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