I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
