i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
