I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
